Think of Me
by xxLittle Black Dressxx
Summary: A conversation between Derek and his sister, Lizzie, gets Derek thinking about the way things were…and the way things could have been.


A/N: This one-shot is dedicated to Addeklover, who asked me if I could write a story about the first time that Addison met Carolyn. At the time, I had been wanting to write a story that included Derek's sister Lizzie in it, because I thought that she was a really great character (I've loved all of Derek's sister's so far) and, to me, the Lizzie/Meredith scenes were kind of lackluster and the Derek/Lizzie scenes left me wanting more. So, I figured I might be able to combine the first time that Addison met Carolyn with the Addison/Derek/Lizzie story that I had been wanting to write – I hope it worked. Anyway, I'd love to hear what you think. Thanks so much for reading!

* * *

**Think of Me**

_Recall those days,  
__Look back on all those times,  
__Think of the things we'll never do.  
__There will never be a day when I won't think of you.  
__-Phantom of the Opera_

"Hey," Derek smiled, as he walked into Lizzie's hospital room. "I came to see how you're doing."

"I'm fine," Lizzie nodded, sitting up a little in her hospital bed, as Derek sat down in a nearby chair. "I spoke to your wife. I hear congratulations are in order."

Derek looked at his sister in confusion.

"Meredith showed me an ultrasound picture," Lizzie explained. "Congratulations."

"Oh, uh, thank you," Derek stammered. "I'm surprised Meredith showed that to you."

Lizzie shrugged. "To be honest, so am I. But I guess that's her way of trying."

"Trying?" Derek asked.

"To be a sister," Lizzie filled in. "It's nice that she tried."

"But…" Derek trailed off, knowing full well that Lizzie's compliment was a backhanded one.

"But nothing," Lizzie shrugged. "It's nice that she tried."

"Cut the crap, Lizzie."

"I'm just saying," Lizzie began calmly, holding her hands up in protest, "your wife has some big shoes to fill."

"You mean, she has some designer high heels to fill," Derek muttered irritably. "What is it with everyone? First Nancy and Amelia, and now you…you all _always_ have to bring it back to Addison. How is Meredith supposed to compete?"

"Nobody's asking her to compete, Derek," Lizzie insisted. "I just, I wish she could be a sister to us the way Addison was."

"Meredith had a complicated childhood," Derek defended.

"So did you and I," Lizzie pointed out. "So did Addison. And you never once saw Addison use that as an excuse. No, if anything, it made appreciate family more. Don't get me wrong, I like Meredith…from the little I know about her. Your wife has some serious balls."

"But…" Derek trailed off, knowing that Lizzie was just itching to bring the conversation back to Addison.

Lizzie met her brother's eyes and smiled. "But she doesn't have Addison's heart," she filled in. "Hey, do you remember the first time Addison met the family?"

"Lizzie," Derek warned.

"What? We can't reminisce?" Lizzie asked haughtily.

"I," Derek stuttered uncomfortably.

"Come on, Derek," Lizzie pressed. "Do you remember the first time Addison met the family?"

Derek met his sister's eyes. "Of course I do," he muttered. He quickly looked down at his hands and sighed. "How could I not?"

"_We're here," Derek called out, as he let himself and Addison into his childhood home._

"_Derek," Carolyn exclaimed, rushing in to hug her son. "I've missed you so much."_

"_I've missed you too, Mom," Derek smiled, as his mother continued to hug him. "Mom," he went on, when his mother finally let go of him, "this is Addison."_

"_Well," Carolyn nodded, giving Addison the once over, "it's very nice to meet you, Addison."_

"_It's nice to meet you too," Addison smiled. "I, uh, I brought a bottle of wine," Addison said, handing Carolyn a wine bottle, wrapped in shiny silver wrapping. "Derek said you like chardonnay best."_

"_Oh, uh, thank you," Carolyn nodded, accepting the wrapped wine bottle from Addison. "That really wasn't necessary."_

"_It's about time you got here, Derek," Nancy grinned, as she and Lizzie joined Addison, Derek, and Carolyn in the hallway. "Kathleen said you were supposed to be here over an hour ago."_

"_Yeah, well, we got a little sidetracked," Derek shrugged. "Besides, we're here now. This is Addison, by the way," Derek smiled._

"_Anyway," Carolyn cut in, as Nancy and Lizzie introduced themselves to Addison, "Kathleen and Amelia are setting the table for dinner, so let's go into the kitchen and eat."_

"_Great," Derek smiled, placing a hand on the small of Addison's back, and leading her into the kitchen. "I'm starving."_

"_So, Addison," Carolyn began, once everyone was sitting down and eating at the kitchen table. "Tell us a little bit about your family."_

"_Well," Addison started, "my father is a doctor, and my mother is very involved in charity work."_

"_Do you have any siblings?" Lizzie asked._

"_I have an older brother, Archer," Addison smiled. "He's actually in med. school with Derek and me."_

"_You don't have any sisters?" Amelia asked with a slight frown._

_Addison shook her head. "Just a brother," she answered. "But I always wanted a sister."_

"_Take it from someone who has four," Derek chuckled, "it's not all it's cracked up-"_

"_Derek Shepherd, don't you dare finish that sentence," Nancy warned._

"_Yeah," Kathleen agreed. "Don't forget, we outnumber you."_

_And as Nancy and Kathleen continued to jokingly bully Derek, Lizzie and Amelia shared a look across the table – one of those wordless looks that said everything. Because, through that look, they reached an unspoken agreement: if things worked out between Addison and Derek, they'd happily be a sister to her._

_xxxxx_

"_So, what do you think of Addison?" Derek asked his family, as he, Carolyn, Lizzie, Nancy, and Kathleen cleared the kitchen table. Amelia had insisted upon showing Addison her room, and managed to get the two of them out of kitchen cleaning duty._

"_I like her," Nancy nodded. "I've never seen you like this over a girl."_

"_I've never been like this over a girl," Derek admitted._

"_I like her too," Lizzie smiled. "And Amelia clearly likes her."_

"_You did well with her, Derek," Kathleen agreed, patting her brother on the back. "I hope we see more of her."_

_Derek smiled at his sisters' assessments of Addison, before turning to his mother; "Mom…" he trailed off, knowing that, out off all of his family members' opinions, hers was the one that meant the most to him._

"_I guess she's fine," Carolyn shrugged._

"_Fine?" Derek asked in confusion._

"_What do you want me to say, Derek?" Carolyn asked._

"_I want you to tell me what you think of my girlfriend in more than just a one word answer."_

_Carolyn sighed. "I don't know, Derek, to be honest, I don't love her."_

"_Really?" Derek asked in surprise; he found it hard to believe that anyone – especially, his own mother – could not like Addison._

"_I just always pictured you with someone a little simpler…someone a little more down to earth. Someone who doesn't show off how wealthy she is by bringing an overpriced bottle of wine to dinner."_

"_I think she was just trying to be nice," Nancy defended._

"_And she wears a lot of make-up," Carolyn went on._

"_So?" Lizzie asked. "So does Nancy. What's the big deal?"_

"_I'm just saying," Carolyn shrugged, "women who wear a lot of make-up are hiding something."_

"_I don't know, Mom," Kathleen disagreed. "Addison seems like a pretty genuine person to me. I don't think she's hiding anything."_

"_Who's hiding what?" Amelia asked, as she and Addison reentered the kitchen._

_Carolyn, Nancy, Kathleen, and Lizzie all turned to Derek, and Derek sighed heavily. _

"_Nobody," he lied. "Nobody's hiding anything."_

"It's too bad Mom never warmed up to Addison," Lizzie reflected, ripping Derek from his thoughts. "Everyone else in the family loved her."

Derek nodded mutely.

"Do you think Addison could tell that Mom didn't like her?" Lizzie asked. "I mean, we all did our best to make sure that Mom was on her best behavior whenever she was around Addison, but Addison's a smart woman…and I feel like a person can tell when somebody doesn't like them."

"She knew," Derek confirmed. "I lied to her about it our entire marriage. But she knew. She always did."

"Why didn't you just tell her the truth?" Lizzie asked.

"I don't know," Derek shrugged.

"Derek."

Derek sighed. "Addison didn't exactly have the best relationship with her own mother…with either of her parents, really…and I knew she wanted that. She saw the relationship that we had with Mom, and she wanted that. So, I wanted to give her that…even if I knew that Mom couldn't stand her."

Lizzie swallowed hard at her brother's admission. It was things like that – small, insignificant lies that really weren't insignificant at all – that reminded her of how good Derek and Addison had once been. And she could tell by the look on Derek's face that he was clearly thinking that too.

"Her family really was nuts," Lizzie chuckled, doing her best to lighten the mood.

"Yeah," Derek agreed with a laugh, as he thought about his ex-wife's family. "They were something else."

"Hey, do you remember them at your graduation?" Lizzie asked, grinning mischievously.

"Are you kidding me?" Derek smirked. "How could anyone forget that?"

"_So, Ms. Bennett," Bizzy slurred, as she drained the rest of her martini. "I was watching Amistad a couple of weeks ago, and I was curious about its historical accuracy. Is it an accurate depiction of slavery?"_

_Addison paled as the entire table went silent, all utterly shocked by the offensiveness of Bizzy's question._

"_You know what," Sam's mother replied coolly. "I'll ask my slave friends and get back to you."_

"_Oh, good," Bizzy nodded drunkenly. "Thank you."_

"_I have to get out of here," Addison whispered to Derek, as the rest of the table uncomfortably tried to change the topic of conversation back to something more neutral. "I can't…my family is…I have to get out of here."_

_Derek watched sympathetically as his girlfriend excused herself from the table and rushed off to the ladies' room. He waited a minute, so as not to appear too obvious, before getting up from the table himself and following after Addison. _

_He pushed open the door to the ladies' room, praying that Addison would be in there alone, and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that he was in luck. Addison was alone, pacing frantically in front of the mirror._

"_Addie," he said gently, walking over to her and wrapping his arms around her. "It's okay."_

_Addison shook her head, as Derek held her firmly in his embrace. "It's not okay," she disagreed._

"_Well, it's not the best," Derek admitted with a chuckle, stroking Addison's arm reassuringly. "But Sam's mother handled it. That was honestly the best response anyone could have given, at this point."_

"_Eight hours," Addison sighed. "My family's been here for eight hours, and in that time, my mother, who can hold her liquor better than anyone I've ever met, managed to get drunk and come off as an ignorant racist. My brother made a pass at your married sister. And my father screwed Lisa Gold, from our gross anatomy class."_

"_Lisa Gold?" Derek asked in surprise. "I thought she swung the other way."_

"_I'd hardly say that's the point, Derek," Addison muttered dryly._

"_No, you're right," Derek nodded. "You're right."_

"_My family is so inappropriate," Addison sighed. "And not even in the lovable way…in the embarrassing way."_

"_Well, we'll just have to make sure that our family's different," Derek smiled, turning Addison in his arms and meeting her eyes._

"_Our family?" Addison asked in surprise._

_Derek nodded. "You're the only women I could ever see myself having a family with so, yes, our family. I'll tell you what," he bargained. "If you promise me, here and now, that you won't make drunken, racist comments, like your mother, I'll promise to never cheat on you with an average-looking, younger woman, like Lisa Gold."_

_Addison smiled at her boyfriend's words. "Deal," she agreed._

"_Good," Derek grinned. "We'll just have to come up with other ways…more socially acceptable ways… to embarrass our future children."_

"_Yeah," Addison agreed with a laugh._

"_And our kids won't be able to hate us too much for it either," Derek smirked, "because, between your genes and my genes, our kids are going to be adorable."_

_Addison was about to respond; but she was cut off by the opening of one of the bathroom stalls._

"_Lizzie," Derek and Addison gasped in surprise, as Lizzie emerged from the bathroom stall, and went to the sink to wash her hands._

"_How much of that did you hear?" Derek asked._

_Lizzie shrugged. "Enough, I guess."_

"_See," Derek smirked, turning his attention to Addison, "you're not the only one with embarrassing family members."_

"_Hey," Lizzie objected, pretending to be offended. "I'll let that comment slide since it's your graduation and all, but let me offer you two some words of wisdom. Before you settle down and raise those adorable children…because let's face it, you two are genetic goldmines, and your children are going to be too precious for words…you might want to start thinking about marriage."_

_Addison laughed good naturedly, while Derek did his best to keep his composure. Because he knew what Addison and Lizzie didn't – that he had a ring, and was planning on proposing to Addison the very next day._

"I was really sorry when I heard about Bizzy," Lizzie said sadly. "Her death couldn't have been easy on Addison." She turned to her brother. "Did you go to the funeral?"

Derek looked down in shame. "No," he said quietly.

"Derek."

"I know," Derek said regretfully. "I should have gone. I should have gone, and I didn't. I didn't even send a card or flowers or anything. I…I don't know why. At the very least, I should have sent something."

"You should have been there," Lizzie corrected. "After all that Addison's supported you through over the years…you should have been there."

"I-" Derek stammered uncomfortably.

"Do you remember when Amelia overdosed?" Lizzie asked her brother pointedly.

"Lizzie," Derek warned. This was a memory that he did not want to relive.

"Addison was the only one she would let in her hospital room," Lizzie went on sadly. "She was the only one Amelia wanted to see. She didn't want to see you or me or Mom. And Addison was there for her. She was there for her, and she was there for you. You should have been there for her, Derek. You should have been there."

"_Thank goodness you guys are here," Lizzie breathed, wrapping her arms around Addison and Derek as they entered the hospital waiting room._

"_How is she?" Derek choked out hoarsely._

"_Still unconscious," Lizzie said sadly. "Mom's in there with her now. I'm going to get some more coffee, but you two should really go see her. I-I think Amelia would like that."_

_Addison nodded sadly, as she took Derek's hand, and led him towards Amelia's hospital room._

"_Wait," Derek choked out, just as they were about to enter. "I-I can't go in there. I can't see her like that. What-what if she doesn't…I can't go in."_

"_Derek," Addison said gently, reassuringly running her hand through her husband's wavy hair. _

"_I…I can't," Derek stammered, tears springing to his eyes. "Addie, if she doesn't make it, I-I don't know what I'll do. It's my fault."_

"_Don't."_

"_I'm her brother," Derek choked out. "Her only brother. It's my job to protect her."_

"_You're human," Addison disagreed._

_Derek shook his head. "I…I should have been able to do something. And now…"_

"_Derek…No," Addison cut in, cupping his face with her hands, and drawing him in so that his head was nearly touching hers. "You do not get to break down. You do not get to fall apart. Not when there is still a chance. And there still is a chance. Derek," she pleaded, looking him directly in the eye. "Derek. Okay?"_

_He wanted to respond. But he couldn't. Not verbally, at least. So he did the only thing he could do. He crashed his lips against hers, and kissed her for all that he was worth, hoping to take away the pain that he was feeling…the pain that they were both feeling. She responded in kind, gently caressing his cheek with her hand, her tongue meshing with his. She was always so good at making him feel better. He went to deepen the kiss, but the sound of someone loudly clearing their throat, quickly snapped him and Addison back to reality._

"_It's good to see that you two have your priorities in check," Carolyn began smugly, as Addison and Derek broke apart from each other. "Amelia's in there fighting for her life; and you two are making out like teenagers in the hallway. Nice." _

"_Mom, it wasn't like that," Derek protested to Carolyn's retreating form. "We were just-"_

"_Tell her later," Addison advised gently, placing a reassuring hand on her husband's bicep. "Right now, we need to be with Amelia."_

Derek could have lived without rehashing that memory. Because that memory reminded him of another memory – the day that Meredith had nearly drown and died of hypothermia. He was a mess, and Addison had pulled him aside, cupped his face in her hands, and said to him pretty much the same thing she had said to him when it had been Amelia's life on the line.

And while her words had helped comfort him, all he really wanted to do, at that moment, was draw her in and kiss her like he had the last time. His girlfriend was only a couple of hundred yards away, fighting for her life, and all he could think about was his ex-wife, and what it might feel like to have her lips up against his again. To have her hand caress his cheek again. To have her tongue mesh with his again.

He had somehow managed to keep himself from acting on those urges, but the guilt had nearly destroyed him. And that's why he had made such a big deal fussing over Meredith when she pulled through. Sure, he was happy that she was okay; but more than anything else, he felt guilty. It was a guilt, which to this day, continued to haunt him.

"Derek," Lizzie cut in worriedly, when she noticed her brother trembling. "Derek, are you okay?"

"F-fine," Derek stammered. "I'm fine."

"Derek," Lizzie said gently.

"I," Derek stuttered. "It was really great of Addison to be there for Amelia," he choked out. "Those two were always like sisters."

Lizzie nodded in agreement. "And Addison was there for Amelia again, last year, when she relapsed."

"Yeah," Derek nodded. "Amelia told me that when she came to Seattle."

"And Addison was there for Amelia, last year, when she gave birth to her brainless baby."

At this, Derek's eyes widened in disbelief. "Amelia had a baby?" he choked out, his voice dry and thick with emotion.

"A son," Lizzie said sadly. "He didn't live for very long…she only had a couple of minutes with him."

Derek felt hot tears sting his eyes, as he thought about the nephew that he had lost – the nephew that he had never even known about. "I didn't know," Derek whispered hoarsely. "Nobody…nobody told me."

Lizzie met Derek's eyes and looked at her brother sadly. "Would it have made a difference, Derek?"

Derek felt his body stiffen at his sister's accusation, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that Lizzie was right. Seattle had changed him. He had missed every Thanksgiving and Christmas since the divorce. And he had come to see his sisters more as annoyances than anything else. Hell, over the last few years, they had become more Addison's sisters – more Addison's family – than his.

"You didn't need to be there, Derek," Lizzie said softly, cutting into Derek's thoughts. "Addison was there. And she took very good care of her."

"Yeah," Derek choked out weakly. "I'm sure she did."

Lizzie swallowed hard as she looked over at her brother, who was clearly fighting for composure. She had meant to make him feel guilty; but she hadn't meant to break him. So she decided to make things easier on him.

"Hey, Derek, it's okay," she said reassuringly. "You've built a life…a great life here, with your wife, and your daughter, and your new baby on the way. You've got your own family now."

"Yeah," Derek nodded sadly. "A new family that knows absolutely nothing about who I was and where I came from."

"Hey, don't think of it like that," Lizzie insisted.

Derek shook his head sadly, and looked at his sister with glassy eyes.

"Hey," Lizzie began cheerfully, determined to make her brother feel better. "Have you and Meredith started thinking about names for the baby?"

Derek swallowed hard. "We, uh, we haven't really discussed it yet," he admitted. "But, I-I have a name in mind."

"Really?" Lizzie smiled. "And what name is that?"

"Carson," Derek said quietly.

"Carson?" Lizzie asked, her eyes widening in surprise.

"Yeah," Derek smiled. "It works for a boy or a girl."

Lizzie felt her breath catch in her throat at this. "Oh," she squeaked out weakly. It was all she could manage to get out.

"_So have you thought of a name for him yet?" Addison asked, gesturing to Lizzie's five-month-pregnant belly._

_Lizzie sighed, and put her head in her hands. "Don't even get me started on names."_

_Addison looked at her sister-in-law quizzically._

"_Tom likes Ernest," Lizzie explained flatly._

"_You're joking, right?" Addison chuckled._

"_I wish I was. But my husband is huge Ernest Hemmingway fan, and he wants to name our son after his all-time favorite author. Ugh, why does his favorite author's name have to be Ernest?"_

"_Well, can't you just choose a different author?" Addison reasoned. "I'm sure Tom has other authors he likes. How about William, after William Shakespeare? Who doesn't like Shakespeare?"_

"_Actually, I was never much of a fan," Lizzie admitted._

"_Yeah, me either, actually," Addison agreed with a laugh. "But William's not a bad name."_

"_It's better than Ernest," Lizzie chuckled. "But I don't love it."_

"_How about Henry?" Addison asked, her eyes softening. "After Henry James."_

"_James," Lizzie said thoughtfully, a slight smile gracing her features. "I-I love that name."_

"_And it's literary," Addison chuckled. "So Tom may go for it. And it's a lot better than Ernest."_

"_So much better than Ernest," Lizzie agreed with a laugh. "So," Lizzie began, suddenly growing serious, "have you and Derek started thinking about-"_

"_Oh, no, we're not there yet," Addison cut in. "Right now, our careers are our main priority."_

_Lizzie nodded in understanding. "Well, have you at least discussed having kids one of these days."_

"_We have," Addison admitted with a smile. "We, uh, we actually already have a name that we both like."_

"_Oh, what is it?" Lizzie asked eagerly, her eyes lighting up in excitement._

"_Um…" Addison trailed off hesitantly._

"_Come on, Addie," Lizzie pleaded. "I'm not going to steal it. I promise."_

"_Okay, fine," Addison conceded. "But you can't tell Derek or anyone else in the family that I told you. We don't need people criticizing our child's name before he or she is even conceived."_

"_Okay," Lizzie smiled. "I promise. So, what is it?"_

_A wide smile graced Addison's features. "Carson," she beamed._

"_Carson," Lizzie repeated, testing out the name._

_Addison nodded. "It works for a boy or a girl. So, what do you think?"_

_Lizzie met Addison's eyes and smiled widely, as she imagined a perfect little boy or girl with Derek's hair and Addie's eyes or Addie's hair and Derek's eyes. At the end of the day, it really didn't matter – Addison and Derek's child would be undeniably gorgeous._

"_Lizzie," Addison prodded. _

_Lizzie gave her sister-in-law a genuine smile. "I love it."_

"Lizzie," Derek pressed, cutting into his sister's thoughts. "What do you think?"

"About what?" Lizzie asked in confusion.

"About the name Carson?" Derek asked. "You don't like it, do you?"

Lizzie swallowed hard. "I," she stammered.

_Carson_. That was Addison-and-Derek's name – the name that they had agreed upon together so many years ago. Lizzie knew that. But Derek didn't know that she knew that. After all, she had promised Addison that she wouldn't tell him.

But maybe Derek needed to hear it, because there it was, clear as day – as much as Derek could insist that he had moved on, and had started a new life in Seattle with Meredith, he hadn't. Eleven-plus years clearly did not just go away with the flourish of a pen on some divorce papers.

And it was funny. Because Derek had accused her and Nancy and Amelia of always bringing everything back to Addison, but Derek was no different. He was just like them. With Derek, everything always went back to Addison.

"Lizzie," Derek prodded. "Do you like the name Carson or not?"

She wanted to tell him the truth. She wanted to tell him that she liked the name, but that he couldn't use it. That if he named his child Carson, he'd never stand a chance of getting over Addison – though, in all honesty, it seemed like a lost cause in the first place.

But she couldn't do that. She had promised Addison she wouldn't tell anyone. And Addison was her sister – regardless of whether or not she was still married to Derek, Addison would always be her sister. So she would keep that promise. She looked at her brother, and did her best to give him a genuine smile.

"Carson," she said softly, as she imagined a little boy or girl with some perfect combination of Addison and Derek's features. "I love it."


End file.
